Why?
by Jessy.A.Wessy
Summary: When the lives they'd built together suddenly seem to be on shaky grounds, its up to Kensi and Deeks to find there way back to each other, through all the ups and downs.


**A/N: **Hey! Well I started this last night before a night out, and I've been working on it today. It's going to be a one/two/three shot depending on what you guys think. Teensy bit angsty; but I thought I'd give it a shot, I tend to be more humour or drama, so please let me know.

See what happens in the world of Kensi and Deeks when it all comes tumbling down? And maybe even cracking out some Lego and building it up again.

So yeah REVIEW guys; I'm quite excited about the next few chapters, so would appreciate you guys letting me know. Also I really hope it isn't O/C, but I tried to get under Kensi, past the façade, and into what everyone feels inside when there feeling crappy and alone. But yeah, lemme know (and if anyones open to some betaing also gimme a bell =] )

She could feel the tears rolling down her face. She couldn't understand that he was gone. He wouldn't leave her. He couldn't leave her. She knew that the strong woman that he fell in love with was somewhere down inside her. But where she was now, she didn't know.

Why he had to go … She'd never understand. Not now, not ever. It all seemed so final. Sure he'd left before, going back to LAPD for an undercover stint. But this was different – he'd actually left; not NCIS, not their partnership. He'd left her.

It seemed so shallow, so idiotic now; but she'd had her life planned with him. Years ago she would never had left herself open to this. Whatever this was, it made Jack leaving feel like nothing more than a toothache. This made her whole body ache with longing.

The world she'd grown to know, to understand, she couldn't make sense of. Her world, his world. Their world – it no longer existed. He'd left her and he wasn't coming back.

Nothing was going to be the same. Instead of coming home to his semi-tidy clutter it'd be her lonely, incoherent mess.

She'd never hear him attempting to cook off the telly, yelling when they required some obscure ingredient from outer-Mongolia just so she'd eat something more than take-out.

She wouldn't come home to a quiet apartment wondering why he was so quiet, what he'd done and what the hell he'd planned. Constantly on the lookout for a water pistol shoved in her face like the last time she'd been unaware of his 'war games'.

She wouldn't come home to the sounds of a soppy chick-flick and hear the quick shift to ESPN when he'd heard her walk through the door.

She wouldn't come home with him by her side.

She wouldn't come home to his sheepish grin followed by a melodrama about laundry and sock-eating dust-bunnies.

She simply, wouldn't be coming home to him.

She hadn't thought about it. Once she'd stepped over the line, the invisible line it took her months to see. When there 'thing' wasn't a 'thing' anymore. She'd seen no other options, no other paths – there was only one, and it was him. Now she had to walk the road alone, without him as a flashlight.

She slumped onto her couch, and cranked the sound on her I-Pod speakers, trying to avoid looking at the reminders. But it was impossible, he was everywhere, in the pictures on the wall, in the sock draped over the DVD cabinet, his law books he'd adapted for use as a coffee table after a water pistol fight gone bad. But all she saw now was the lack of him in her life. How empty the void would be now he was gone.

She'd forced herself into believing it wasn't going to affect her work. She'd promised Hetty after a few weeks of official dating that it wouldn't. But after 3 days of calling in sick, she'd worked out she couldn't force herself to believe it any more. Gone was the independent woman she'd strived her whole life to be. The women who only believed in first-dates and no-more. The woman who'd always been so strong and together. And now she was angry at herself for being so shallow and pathetic that she couldn't live her life without a man. But he wasn't just a man. He was Deeks.

She was painfully aware how obvious it was her life had been put on hold. Tear-stained cheeks, red eyes and a tangled knot of hair weren't normally deemed fruitful attire for living your life. Besides, Hetty would probably refuse to let her work if she saw her like this. Nell had attempted to talk to her several times, but she could never seem to break through Kensi's new wall. Before it would've been Deeks. Camping out on her doorstep 'til she showed her face.

Besides, if she went to work – she'd have to see him …

HE wouldn't care .. He hadn't cared that night. The night he broke her in two …

"_If that's how you really feel Kensi, then fine. You wonder why all the men in your life leave you. Then just take a look. You're so closed off its impossible to know you. We're not working. We're not doing this anymore…"_

She felt a well of regret bubble over inside her. A tough-case, sleep-deprivation and a few heated words, were apparently all it took for him to finally give up on her.

A knocking broke her from her daze, she hadn't even realised she'd been thinking so hard.

She wiped her cheeks, getting rid of the excess tears … Nell was the only one to have seen her like this before, but not in this state … She opened the door without even looking past the curtain, and stopped.

"Kensi, I."

She slammed the door shut, the glass rattling dangerously. Yes, it was immature, heck it was childish, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She couldn't think of what was going ot patch this gaping hole left between them. But she longed to talk to him. She knew he didn't deserve all the tears and pent-up anger. But no matter what she told herself to make herself feel at ease, she knew he was probably hurting just as much as she was.

"Kensi, Fern, open the door, I wanna talk."

She turned her I-Pod up louder, to muffle the desperation in his voice. She was trying to be angry at him, like she had been that night, but she could feel her walls breaking down again; in the only way he knew how to do.

"I'm not leaving."

He was leaving. He was leaving _now_. She stormed over to the door, ripped it open. Put the letter in his hands and slammed the door shut.

Then she collapsed against the door and slid down it, sobbing once more.

On the other side of the door, Deeks was sat with his back against the door, a bag of doughnuts and well meaning beside him, and slowly began to open the letter.

He stared at it, took a deep breath, and began to read.

_Marty, _

_Stop calling me .. Texting me … sending me shipments of doughnuts … stop sending Nell … Just leave it now. _

_I don't know what you want from me. You want me … You wait for me … you get me, and then you just give up?_

_**What the hell**__?_

_You knew how I felt, how hard it was for me to let you in, to let you understand me and everything about me, and you go and throw it back in my face?_

_You walked out. Not me. _

_I love you Marty. But you can be a jerk sometimes._

Deeks wiped the tear that was working its way down his face. He deserved her anger. HE knew full well why she hadn't shown her face. It was the same reason he hadn't shown his until now. He pulled a pen off his keychain and started to write.

She couldn't hear him anymore. He'd probably gone. Thank god! She got up, shuffling her way towards the kitchen, and as she did, she saw something fly under the door.

She crouched down and picked up the folded paper. He'd sent it back. She noticed the writing on the back, and slowly turned it over.

_Kensi,_

_I won't stop calling you or texting you. I won't stop sending donuts. And I most certainly won't stop sending Nell. And I most definitely won't leave it now. _

_I didn't know what I wanted Kensi. I know I waited for you, I got you, and then I hurt you. I screwed up Kens. You don't need to tell me. The empty, aching I got going on in my chest tells me every second I'm away from you. _

_I know I said some things. We both did. You didn't deserve I word I said to you, and I can't begin to justify walking out. You deserve so much more than that._

_I know you haven't ben at work, because Callen, Sam and heck even Eric came round to ask me what the hell I've done and why the both of us have disappeared. You've got a whole family of people out there ready to beat me to oblivion for hurting you like this Kens, I'm not sure who to be more scared of Eric or Hetty. And that's saying something._

_I'd really like for you to open the door … Please? _

_We need to talk. _

Kensi knew she shouldn't. She'd regret it, kick herself for ti later. Callen would kill her with her own gun, Sam would kick her ass, and Hetty would oversee the autopsy. But at that moment she was sure it was more than worth it.

He leaned against the door with his forehead. Hoping, praying that she'd open the door.

It clicked.

He stumbled.

"You have 1 minute. Go."

"Aww, shit, Kensi. I don't do pressure and time limits well …"

"45 seconds."

"Okay, okay. Kensi, Kensi. I.. I … I, um … I love you."

She looked up from her watch.

"Come again?"

"I love you Kensi Marie Blye."

She couldn't stop the smile from tweaking the corners of her mouth.

"You'd better come in."

**A/N: **Right there's the first chapter. Let me know, and I'll post the next one maybe tomorrow or Monday =] Tooooodles xx


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